"Slim Sister" Has Taken The Lead...Whore

Mrs. Jarcy is overcome with grief for this most unfortunate circumstance cannot be...

Star Jones Reynolds is in better shape than me.

Well crap. Why god, why? Star has spent the last few years surgically altering her body, dieting and exercising and now looks better than I do. I have done very little to stay in shape unless eating only half a pumpkin loaf slice from Starbucky's counts. Now I have to add her to the list of those who are better than me. Yes, there is a list. Those who have been able to slim down and look fabulous are better than me.

So far the list is as follows:

1. Star "Slim Sister" Jones Reynolds
2. Kirstie "Almost Anorexic" Alley
3. Muffin the Dog

Muffin the Dog irked me the most. This little thing was a plump ewok at one point. I was astonished to see him one day all svelte and energetic. I asked his nun owner (yes, he was owned by a nun and a boy) what had catapulted Muffin's weight loss...could it be cancer? A bad intestinal infection? Adversity to his new senior dog food? No, she replied, he had been taken on many walks by other nuns and, therefore, lost weight! Evil little thing. I could lose 10 lbs. too if a whole community of nuns was rooting for me! I was so pissed off that I walked the 4 miles home from work that night in heels.

I might start dressing in long waist-cinching corsets and gowns from now on. Can anyone recommend a good tailor?