Just The Facts

Mr. Jarcy play-doh cat originals.  Circa February 2011, commissioned by The Boy

So yesterday I kinda got my credit and debit cards stolen.  By kinda I mean I did.  Then "I" went to the nearest Target store and bought a $900 iPad.  By "I" I mean a man impersonating me.

Let me explain further...

I went to my Starbuck's.  The place I consider my office and am most creative.  It's a fun place.  I see a variety of the same familiar faces, some famous, some not at all famous and many aspiring to be famous (that last part is a guess but you'd agree if you saw them).

Which brings me to the man sitting behind me yesterday.

You see, he didn't necessarily strike me as the grande carmel macchiato type.  Or even just a straight on venti bold roast type.  He was more of the borderline heroin addict type.  That's not to say heroin addicts don't hang out at Starbuck's, but I remember having this initial reaction to him of "Huh, he seems out of place."

And then I told myself to not be judgmental, took a seat near him and --wait for it-- OPENED MY BAG BIG AND WIDE SO THAT HE COULD STEAL MY CREDIT AND DEBIT CARDS OUT OF MY WALLET!!!

Sigh...

He was oh so friendly to me before, during and after that breach in proper behavior though.  He even gave me his seat near the wall so that my computer could be plugged in and wished me a good rest of my day.

BECAUSE HE KNEW I WASN'T GONNA HAVE A GOOD REST OF MY DAY!

An hour later my bank calls to see if I meant to purchase the $961 from Target.  I say "No, lemme get my cards out."  And the cards are, OF COURSE, gone.  As I continue to talk to the bank rep I begin to get real, real, real paranoid that it was someone who's still somewhere around me.  Or the man calling from New York state as a bank representative.  I begin asking him bizarre questions like "Who is this really?"  Yes, I really did.  Then I tell the writer who is sitting behind me now the whole story --and who I see in Starbuck's daily-- and out of nowhere say to him, "You didn't steal my cards...did you?"  If an adorable kitten had tottled in the store I would have suspected her too.

I ran home and cancelled all my cards.  And then freaked out more.

Which brings me to the Van Nuys Police Department.  Let me start off by saying the officers were very kind.  Let me finish by saying YOU DON'T WANT TO SPEND YOUR FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE VAN NUYS POLICE DEPARTMENT.  Many criminals gettin sprung right before the weekend when I imagined they would be partaking in more illegal activity and finding their way back to jail.  Much like a homing pigeon-- released out into the wild, does his job then comes right back to roost and rest up for his next journey out.  My favorite criminal was the man who very nonchalantly announced to whoever he was talking to on the phone, "Yeah man, it's me.  So I just got out of jail.  Yeah, just now.  Hey, how are you?"  He said it like I would tell a friend after leaving a yoga class.  Almost zen and carefree like.  By almost I mean completely.

By the end of the day I was exhausted.  And still paranoid.  I asked Mr. Jarcy, "Are you somehow behind this?  Did you hire a 'hit' on me just so I'd curb my spending habits?  I'm not convinced your clean."  I was joking, of course.  I think.  It DEFINITELY could have been worse.  My boys are safe, I am safe and now I have to blog BECAUSE I CAN'T SHOP FOR A HUMIDIFIER ONLINE!