Buns Perp

"Honey," I bellowed, "please come here."  I said it as calm, collected yet commanding as I could.  The Boy was asleep in the next room and I didn't want to wake him.  It was time for him to get up from the late afternoon nap but then Mr. Jarcy would have two babies to tend to.  As Mr. Jarcy got into the bedroom I started to show my true colors.

"THERE WAS A SPIDER ON MY BUNS!  THERE WAS A SPIDER ON MY BUNS!  THE THE THE BUNS SPIDER ON ME BUNS IN THERE STILL LOOK!" I frantically pointed to the bathroom sink and the bus-sized spider presently residing in it after a brief layover on my derriere.  "Oh god!" Mr. Jarcy cried, "That thing was on you?"  Imagine a naked woman nodding uncontrollably, shaking uncontrollably and glancing at her backside uncontrollably in the event the spider had teleported back to it's previous locale.  I was a mess.  I had been toweling off after a shower, grabbed the towel and just happened to glance in the mirror when I noticed what appeared to be a giant spider on my buns.  Instinctively I had flicked my hand back at it and it had landed right into the sink before me.  Now Mr. Jarcy was sizing up his competition while doing his best at talking me down off the ledge.  

"Okay, you're okay, Honey, he's not on your buns anymore, he's right here and I'll take care of him, lemme just..." SLAM!  Just like that Buns Perpetrator was dunzo and I continued to dance around like a crazed lunatic.  After the stunt that spider had pulled I couldn't even feel my usual kill guilt.  

"Did he bite me?!  Oh god oh god oh god!"

"It doesn't look like he bit you.  Did you feel him bite you?"

"No, I didn't feel anything!  What if he bit me?!  What if he was a black widow and bit me?"  A guy we sort of know had recently been bitten by a black widow in his downtown L.A. apartment.  Mr. Jarcy and I had already been on high alert as a result.  We're the most impressionable couple you'll ever meet.

"Oh, you would have felt him bite you, honey. You're okay.  I don't see anything there to worry about.  Do your best to calm down, okay?  That's right, deep breaths, deep breaths..."  My anxiety began to subside until my calf muscles started twitching and I internally panicked spider poison was numbing my limbs and rendering me helpless.  

But this was not the case, I was fine.  Physically, that is.  Shortly after this whole ordeal went down I made Mr. Jarcy get the vacuum and it's attachments out to suck around the skylights in the two bathrooms and the kitchen.  I think that was Buns Perpetrator's point of entry, the skylight.  We're not taking any chances around here now.  I will be shaking out and thoroughly inspecting my towel before each use from here on out.  It's not like I'm gonna just be able to naively use my bathroom now.  Any trip in there since this security breach has had me scanning the room and all containers for another spider.  And please, spiders, please, please, please leave The Boy and his room alone.  If you think I was crazy from today just wait until you mess with my son.  

Like I said, we're rather impressionable.