Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Obsession For Mrs. Jarcy

I've been reading a lot of depressing stuff in the paper lately. Usually I skim the paper--which means I read my horoscope and then MAYBE a few headlines--but I'm taking a writing class and we have to write jokes off the Chicago Tribune front page. Every day. And I'm sucking at this exercise or at least that's the mantra stuck on replay in my head. Oh, my poor head!

I always attribute obsessive qualities to my husband. Why? Well because he fully admits to having them. And now I see its also because focusing on his crazy behavior prevents me from exploring my own. They are, unfortunately, present and accounted for. This might also be why I can talk myself out of doing things that will be good for me like yoga or socializing with others. I get to a place where all I want to do is sleep or watch "Cold Case Files." It doesn't happen all the time, in fact, most would say I am very social and generally fun. But if I'm stuck in that place there is just NO escaping. Believe me, I have tried. Some folks are like, "Just give yourself a pep talk and you'll feel better."

Well guess what, I can't! It just doesn't work that way for me!! Telling me to just snap out of it is like telling a legless man to walk!!! Or a fish, go tell a fish to walk! FISH CAN'T WALK!

So yeah, I have a few obsessive qualities. Nothing that requires a meds script for the time being but definitely flaring up from the stress of attempting funny for this writing class. And perhaps the worst of it is that I have the ability to talk myself out of being funny. I can start with comedic gold and tinker and adjust so much that the joke ends with a thud. I can even come up with 5 thuds for 5 different jokes based off one news item. It is amazing how I do this. Tonight for class I read a monologue about immigration. My initial monologue was upbeat, carried away and filled with fun! Three days later I had completely adjusted it so it was the most serious and unfunny item one could hear. In fact, tears could have been generated from my monologue, that is how GOOD I was at making it unfunny. As I finished reading aloud I could feel the heaviness that lingered in the room and within myself so without thought I burst into maniacal cackling. They thought it was part of the monologue. And everyone laughed they're asses off. Or I scared the SHIT out of them and laughing with me was way better than glaring at me. Come to think of it, they could have just been laughing at how weird the laugh felt at the...

Ah, you see? Obsessive thoughts. The above paragraphs speak for themselves I think. This is what happens to Mrs. Jarcy. I pray reading some Harry Potter will help it all go away.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Man Boys Attack Earth

Can someone please, please, PLEASE tell me why there are grown men zipping around the city on little kid dirt bikes and skateboards??!

It's an epidemic. I've seen several of them over the last month. And these are men, I'm not talking late teens or even early 20's. I'm talking 34, maybe even 43 years old. They're not just like big punks either. I imagine them riding off to their Wrigleyville graphic design office when I see them during the day. At night I'm wondering if they're en route to a date and the date has had to cab it. Head for the hills, sister! This one will be riding his 9 year old Huffy to the hospital while you drive yourself to deliver your first born! Toys purchased for the child will be confiscated for his own use, that is a promise! Now go find yourself a nice grown man who drives a Honda...hup to it!

That said, if there were an adult-size big wheel I would be the first to purchase. Those things are way too fun!

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Crabby Pants Is Taking Your Calls


So I had a really crappy exchange with someone working a B&B reservation line this morning. The kicker was that I didn't instigate it or at least not on purpose. In fact, I maintained a level of calm that I normally do not possess. I was proud of myself. But I still did something that was incredibly wrong-- I asked about an inn that apparently is no longer part of their group AND yet still listed on the website. He told me I was mistaken. He was wrong, it was still listed and I asked him to wait while I found it. And then the kid got so annoyed with me that he said, "You know what, we have NO reservations for you." And then he hung up!

This all happened in less than 60 seconds so I'm not sure how annoying I could have been in such a short amount of time. Apparently enough to hang up on me almost immediately. Don't you dare ask questions on an 800 number or you'll be asking for a beating! I've been paranoid all day now, as if I did something wrong when I know I didn't. I was put in charge of securing this reservation for my folks so imagine my horror when I get banned from using the service! Thankfully I emailed and someone else--a boss--has been helpful and apologized. Although I'm still afraid to ask for the desperately needed reservation. AHHHH!

I feel like we're so quick to jump down some one's throat or put one in his/her place. I'm not excluding myself, I'm guilty of it too. Imagine if we all listened to the person we were helping as opposed to bulldozing them the moment they opened their mouth. Naw, that sounds stupid. We've all been watching way too much reality TV. That's who is at fault. We all think we get time in the confessional on Real World/Top Chef/Survivor after some idiotic, self-absorbed meltdown.