Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Cheap Thrills

Pool noodles and a box--now THIS is living!  It's almost as fun as the time I played with Mommy's old shoes.  Almost...  

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Hip Squared

Mrs. Jarcy's long ago headshot attempt at looking hip (emphasis on the word "attempt").  
You can tell from the awkward smile it didn't resonate within.    

You know those mommies who are just as hip as they were before they had kids?  They still pull together fabulous outfits from "pieces" they've gotten over the years from Anthropologie, American Apparrel and Target.  They've got one hand holding a sippy cup while the other is downloading the latest music from the latest yet to break out big bands.  They drink green veggie smoothies NOT infused with fruit juice to make them tolerable to drink.

I am so not one of those mommies.

I'm wearing whatever my younger sister has passed on to me.  Or that I find at Target for $9.  Or that fits.  I'm holding a sippy cup in one hand while the other is queuing up a medley of Little River Band, Hall & Oats and Justin Timberlake (yes, years later he's bringing the Sexy Back for me).  I can ONLY drink the green smoothies if the good-for-you-green is diluted with the bad-for-you-sugary-fruit-juice.  Even then I'll just prefer a bucket's worth of coffee (wait, that might make me very hip).

Overall, I have no idea who is hot, what is cool or where it's at.

But I don't think I ever was.  I mean, I almost purchased tickets to a Doobie Brothers concert recently for God's sake!  Yeah, I'm way uncool.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Curls, Curls, Curls

I look at The Boy's head and sing in my own, "Curls, curls, curls!" a la Motley Crue.  Vince Neil is no longer belting out The Crue's homage to favorite strip clubs.  Now he's singing about my son's beautiful curls.  I can't help it.  I wish I could commission them to re-write the entire song in his honor instead.  Maybe I'll head to the L.A. spot I saw Nikki Sixx hanging out at to see if this is at all a possibility.      

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Won't Back Down

"I guess my mommy really wanted to ride that train!"

(queue Tom Petty's "Won't Back Down")...

We just got home from the Farmer's Market.  It was supposed to be a relaxing outing with The Boy.  Well, after a verbal altercation with some a-hole parents I wouldn't be surprised if I get banned from the kids' section all together.

It wasn't my fault though, it was them, those a-hole parents!

Mr. Jarcy, The Boy and I stood in line for this train ride (really a cart pretending to be a train).  The train takes parents and little ones around the market, does some crazy eights in a parking lot and then loops past the CBS studios.  The kids love it and the parents get a moment to just sit.  We stood in line for a long time.  We also were second in line.  SECOND!  The train came back after what seemed like an eternity when all of a sudden these other parents opened up the line ropes and bum-rushed the damn train!  Mr. Jarcy and I stood there in shock.  And then I lost it.

MRS. JARCY:  Woah, wait a minute!  How is it we were second in line and now there's no seat left on the train?!

A-HOLE PARENT:  We were in line too.

MRS. JARCY:  Yes, I know, you were behind me by about 3 people.  How did you get on this train before us?

A-HOLE PARENT:  From right there.  (A-Hole points to the roped off section he breached.)

MRS. JARCY:  Well we've been in line since before the last train left.  Have you been in line waiting since the last train left?  

(A-Hole Parent nods his head)

MRS. JARCY:  No you haven't.  Because I was here and you were not!

At this point some bum-rushers cracked under the pressure and relinquished their seats to the Jarcy clan.  It was at the very back of the train, right where I'm sure the rest of the line cheating train riders preferred us to be.  You'd think I'd be a little embarrassed over this experience.  I'm not.  And next time I will be fully prepared for this ridiculous behavior.  I'm learning that some well-off parents out here are the ones you gotta keep your eyes on.  If they're not stealing your baby's sand toys then they're stealing his train seat.  They'll be hauling off with my popular City Mini stroller in no time.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Dream Police

10 PM and this JOKER--er, toddler boy-- is still rocking and rolling all over his crib.  Other children his age are in bed sooo much earlier!  Why doesn't he understand that?!  I'm starting to think I can't allow him to nap during the day just so he'll sleep at night.  Last night he went to bed a little past 11 and then was up a little before 8.  This is cruel and unusual behavior!  I'm reporting him to the Sleep Police if this keeps up.  We can't have a baby playing in his bed for over an hour and then finally nodding off to sleep past 10 PM...can we?  Maybe I'm the one who's gonna be reported to the police for cruel and unusual behavior!  I'm failing as a parent!  I'm failing as a parent!  

Breathe, Mrs. Jarcy, breathe.  It does you no good to compare your son to other babies.  But yes, you are sort of failing as a parent.  Just try to keep it together though, you're not helping matters.

This is why I can't shake my own napping schedule.  I nap almost every day, it's starting to seem really ridiculous.  But I feel so tired!  And I think there are twinges of boredom creeping in.  I'm failing as a parent!  I'm failing as a parent!  

Perhaps you could use his napping time a little more productively?  I know you've been putting off rearranging the pots and pans cabinet for some time now but if you won't step up and do it then WHO WILL?!  The cat would do this necessary task before Mr. Jarcy, let's not kid ourselves.  It's up to you.  And yes, you are sort of failing as a parent here and there.

I know, I know, tough life I lead.  It's not.  Yes, he's a very active boy and there is no wearing him out but I really can't complain even though I am.  Like I said, some days just feel more "Groundhog Day"ish than others.  This week has been wonderful but also incredibly draggy.  And when The Boy doesn't sleep as much as other times I tend to lose it a little (lot).

I'm failing as a parent!  I'm failing as a parent! 

Plus writing "to do"lists that include "buy canned cat food in bulk" just isn't making me feel all that alive.  And if it did then I'd worry about that too.  Okay, Worry, I gotta put you to bed for the night.  The dentist says I'm creating more jaw bone just from clenching my damn teeth so often from anxiety and anger.  I really need to increase my yoga and meditation sessions from zero to some before my entire mouth is just jaw bone.

What  is it you have anxiety and anger over again?  I got distracted by this Housewives of New York City "Lost Footage" episode for a moment.  Oh right, we were discussing your failures as a parent.  These NYC gals seem to handle stress by drinking excessively, trashing one another repeatedly and recording really bad but catchy pop songs.  Maybe that could help you cope as well?  

Yoga, are you still up?  Let's do this before I change my mind and put us both to bed.  Let's see if Wine feels like some down dog action while we're at it.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Daily Ritual

The Boy decided 40 minutes was all he could handle of me and the huge ball we brought with us to the park.  He grunted at me which is what he does when he doesn't feel like doing what I want.  He sounds like a crotchety old man, like he's channeling Archie Bunker.  So I sat while he scanned the grounds in search of someone/something more interesting.  I let him wander just far enough away to feel like he was there alone but still within ear shot so I could yell out those other interesting things.  "Look, Boy, an airplane!  Look, Boy, there's a dog!  Look, Boy, a big stick!"  

On a side note, why is there always some overly cuddly couple being overly cuddly and couply at parks?  They're usually between the ages of 17 and 23 and it is extremely uncomfortable for the other park goers.  I had to steer The Boy away from some lovebirds a few times today.  They made a lovebird burrito with their blanket and bodies and it felt like we intruding on their private space.  I felt like yelling, "Figure out when your parents aren't home and then do this burrito thing there!"  

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Did This Baby Leave His Parents At Home? Seriously, How Did You Get Here, Kid?

I got an education from a Super Chill European Family today at the playground.

They taught me that their 13-month old chunky European baby boy can go down a big slide without the constant supervision and assistance of his parents.  Well, they set him up at the top of the slide and then just let him wing the rest.  They weren't clutching him on their laps the whole way down like I have been known to do (every single time).  I was convinced The Boy would hurt his head!  But the twisty big kid slides are not polished with oil.  A slick and speedy trip down is impossible as they're scuffed up and gritty with sand--perfect to keep a toddler's noggin safe!  So we followed their lead and let The Boy go sans clutching parents.  It was good for all of us.

Of course, I also learned Super Chill European Family has no problem with me tending to their baby when he plops himself in front of me, plays with The Boy's sand toys and expects me to interact with him.  Now I know why they appeared so much more rested than Mr. Jarcy and me.  I won't be following their lead on that one as tempting as it is sometimes.  Unless we see that one nanny who played soccer with The Boy once...god, that was so lovely!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

It's Yoga, Dude. It's Like Woah!

I didn't nap.  Or watch "Cars" again.  (Per last post's declaration.)  Thank goodness.  Instead I got reacquainted with my yoga mat.  I had to clean layers of dust off it (it still looks like a trip through the  carwash would help immensely).  And since workout pants are the only clothes fitting my bottom half I might as well take that as a huge sign.  GET UP AND DO SOMETHING ACTIVE!  That was the sign I got just a few short hours ago.

Remember when I went through a 9-month yoga teacher training back in Chicago?  Yeah, it was forever ago.  2005-2006.  I remember having no time to devote to a personal practice and barely getting my required classwork completed.  I was so, so busy.


If I had a weekend just devoted to yoga and meditation now I fear my head would explode from all that "Mrs. Jarcy" time.  I'm gonna have to do just that, get my head to explode.  The more explosions going on in my head the better!  I have way too much anxiety and worry that lives up there.  So yeah, blast away.

Part of my yoga re-acclimation involved listening to a podcast by Erich Schiffman.  He's a yoga teacher  I've been interested in and inspired by since I was in my late teens (approximately 200 years ago).  He teaches in Venice, CA and so today I checked online to see what he's been up to.  One thing he's been up to is posting podcasts from his teachings.  You HAVE to listen.  I love this guy--he sounds like Jeff Bridges as a yoga guru.  Remember The Dude from "The Big Lebowski?"  Yeah, imagine him as a master of yoga and meditation.  I loved it.  Some yoga masters are somewhat hard to follow.  Erich Schiffman is not one of them...

Erich Schiffman on meditation, dude

From now on when The Boy naps I will be doing my best to get back to the mat, listen to teachings from  Erich "The Dude" Schiffman and writing whatever is in my head so that it explodes.  That's what's going on here, folks.  

Jogging Stroller Unnecessary...For Many Reasons

I'm glad someone's getting use out of these running shoes.  

I seem to be taking the month (summer) off of all physical activity.  As a result my pants don't fit which really does nothing for the ego.  Sadly, I feel so lazy that I don't care!  Spend the summer in workout pants because that's all that fits (ironic)?  So be it.

I gotta go take a nap and then watch "Cars" again...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I'm Awesome, Inc.

Retro picture for retro-inspired template.

What happens if I do THIS to my blog (queue cool new template that reminds me I'm a product of the 70's and Free To Be You And Me)?  Does anyone care but me?  I know, I know--all TEN of you just freaked out from the switch and had to consume old sedatives lurking behind Tums in the medicine cabinet just to regain your composure, right?  I thought so.

I just spent an hour stressing over this new change.  AN HOUR!  For God's sake, change is so unbearable even when it involves the design features of a blog... what the hell is wrong with me?!  Have I always been this way?  How did I ever complete an extensive 9-month yoga teacher certification?  Who was dumb enough to think I was chill enough to even be considered a master of stress-reducing exercises?  They really dropped the ball on that one!

So much anxiety over such a simple and rather meaningless act-- I cringe to think what I'll do when The Boy heads to preschool.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Will Work For Target Gift Cards

The Boy is addicted to his new cars.  Yeah!  I bought him a three pack of cars from the movie "Cars" and he loves them.  He's never even seen "Cars," but we have a book that he has us read over and over (and over and over).  He especially loves to drive the cars all over his big buddha belly.  Tonight two of them wound up in the bath as well.  They're just too fun to put down while getting clean!  I still can't get over how much I enjoy buying him toys I hope he'll love.  Bubbles, cars, a parking garage for the cars, puzzles,  basketballs, soccer balls, rubber/spikey balls... I too am addicted.  I bring them home as offerings to the god.  "Do you like it, honey?  Did Mama get you the right kind of toy?"  Mama did real good with this car deal (the $5 Elmo video not as much).  

Alas, life is not just about spending endless amounts of money on your son's toy collection.  It's also about paying rent, buying groceries practically ever 45 minutes, hauling the cat off to the vet to shell out no less than $300 every six months, etc.  Blowing through all the money we had worked so hard to save is, well, hard!  So here I am, relatively new to being a mom, new to L.A. and now considering new work.  It's all a little new and by new I mean overwhelming.  I hope I can find something that I enjoy.  My last gig was having my own little business as a dog walker/pet sitter.  I really loved that but I don't think I want to do it out here, it's just not the same.  I'd throw my hat in for the Oprah talk show competition but I have a feeling others are applying for that position as well (like hundreds of thousands).       Steady, stable, secure...these are words never used when describing a job in the entertainment industry which is so so unfortunate!  Of course that's what I love...ah, brother.  I had my heart set on writing a book until I realized that I might spend more money writing it than actually making off it.  So I can write all I want but it would really help to earn money while doing so.

If you have a job for me, I'll gladly accept as long as it's not serving pie at a cafeteria-style restaurant.  I've already done that and don't wish to repeat the experience.  You'll also have to tolerate me sharing pictures of The Boy playing with all his toys.  And stories of what I did with The Boy on my day off.  Videos of The Boy dancing to Justin Bieber, "pictures" he drew with big fat crayons...

Monday, June 14, 2010

Toddler Texting

"Okay, so I've had my bath and now before reading 'Goodnight Gorilla' 37 times and then bedtime I have got to reply to some of these texts!"

The Boy has two toy phones and he plays with them when riding in the car. But he's no dummy and knows that they're not real. He prefers the real deal. There have been plenty of times when I've thought it was safe for him to play with my phone (It's on lock mode, he can't do anything) and then he's called folks and replied to texts ("Mrs. Jarcy, why are you calling me from your cell when we're already talking on your land line?"). So now he has my old phone as his very own. He manages to get the automated Verizon lady to instruct him how to place an actual call and I wouldn't be surprised if he somehow succeeds even though it's no longer on the Jarcy phone plan. He also has a set of keys to my parents' house because plastic, toy keys are for babies and he is no baby. He gives me this look like, Geez why don't you swaddle me up and stuff strained peas down my throat if you think those toy keys are age appropriate!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Hollywood Swinging

(My phone doesn't do video very well. I probably need that Flip deal, nudge nudge husband.)

What is it with kids and swinging? They love it! The Boy did this for close to an hour the other day. He looks kinda bored and unhappy but really I think he's just subdued and soothed. Believe me, if he is ever bored or unhappy we know about it... immediately. Hmmm, maybe we need to get a swing hooked up in our apartment. A way to keep him entertained and in one place sounds divine. He's injured himself falling off furniture so often this week that converting the entire living room into a ball pit is starting to seem like a viable option.

Monday, June 7, 2010

GPS And Facial Hair

Mr. Johnson is a good friend of Mrs. Jarcy's.  Mr. Johnson likes to film videos to post on his You Tube page.  I know this video is called "Kendra Sex Tape" but I assure you it is not. That's just some weirdo's attempt at getting more than 35 people to view the video (and oddly, or not so oddly, his ploy seems to have worked). Title aside, I enjoy it immensely and now share it with you.

P.S.  Mr. Johnson has a bit of a potty mouth so be sure to cover the ears of small children and elders while viewing.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

What About Me?

(What is this thing we're sitting on anyway?  Whatever it is, The Boy prefers the one next to us.  He can't be bothered with a photo shoot.)

"What about me?  When do I get a picture taken with The Boy?!"

When you ask for it!

I'm trying to get my photo taken more with The Boy.  My mom asked for some to be sent to a family friend and, sadly, I couldn't find any recent (and by recent I mean since he's turned 4 months).  That's because I'm too busy taking them!  Yeah, yeah, I know, I sound like a martyr.  But it's true!

"I went through all the hassle of having him, you'd think I could have a picture with my little partner in crime!  I mean, is that REALLY too much to ask?"  

Oh yeah, extreme martyrdom going on.  Now if my mother had asked for a photo of me and Mr. Jarcy together then we'd really be in trouble...perhaps our wedding? I have no memory of photos even taken just us two now.  The two of us sans Boy?!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  Nope.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Evil Mommy Go Bye Bye

Evil Mommy faded away earlier which was a relief to us all.  She was replaced by the ever present Doting Mommy.  The Boy napped while I painted my toes purple and paid bills.  We both needed time apart.  He woke up and I've been kissing him uncontrollably ever since.  Evil Mommy really wanted to paint her toes I guess.

Then we headed to the park.  Jimmy Kimmel and crew showed up to film a bit with some older children.  I'll be the non-showered/frazzled mommy in a short black Target skirt running after her son as he runs after other kids' balls in the background.  We had a good time and I felt grateful to be out here.  I was also grateful when The Boy noticed my newly painted purple toes.  "Ga!" he said.  Anytime I alter my appearance he seems to notice.  Nothin' gets by him.  I'd switch up my hair even more but fear he wouldn't approve.  His opinion usually reigns around here (except when Evil Mommy is on watch, of course).

Why am I still rambling on here?  I have to resume my Pilates regime tomorrow morning!  It's been over a MONTH since I've gone.  Amazing to me since I was really considering myself as someone who does Pilates (you know the annoying kind, don't you?).  It's going to be 107 here in the Valley before I know it and I'd really like to be working a cute little sundress (from Target I'm sure) next time Jimmy Kimmel stalks the park.

Buzz Kill Mommy

Today I am an evil mother.

For some reason, I figured The Boy should eat a lunch.  He mashed it up into little pieces and then screamed when I took it away.  Then I made him another and entirely different lunch for him to eat later. God, I'm horrible!

For some reason, I figured The Boy launching himself from a table onto the couch with a can of cat food in his hand could be dangerous.  Before I could grab him he did just that and then screamed at me when he wasn't allowed a repeat performance.  Apparently he meant to hit his head with the stupid can for I got more tears than that experience.

For some reason, I figured The Boy should nap.  These 5pm nap deals aren't working for me as they mean he's up until 11pm.  He doesn't seem to realize that I'm considered an old mommy.  A mommy who is losing her own inner night owl because she's nearing 40.  I'm getting so old that I'll probably ask for dinner out at the local hospital cafeteria by 4:30pm next time an anniversary rolls around.  So now he's screaming at me again and I'm considering Meals On Wheels.

Like I said....evil.  Maybe I should be sent off to the hotel down the street as punishment.  A timeout, if you will.  A day/night long timeout.  A timeout that involves that god awful heated pool and even more god awful outdoor bar.  Yes, that kind of timeout is definitely in order.  Because I've been behaving real badly.  So I should go take that timeout.  Probably until The Boy is done with the latest round of teething...

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Beach 4.0

In the last month we have gone to the beach 4 times.  That's 4!  In the last month I've learned if you live 40 minutes from the beach then you have to go.  Often.  This photo is from Zuma Beach in Malibu.  We've had so many visitors in the last month and I'm so thankful because I never would have gotten us to the water that often without that extra push.  Parenting a toddler can be stressful.  Getting to the beach with a toddler can be stressful.  Parenting a toddler at the beach, however, is not stressful.  It is blissful calm.

Yeah...I'm gonna need to sell some belongings off just to supply us with more beach accessories.  I got my eye on one of those huge canopy things.  And then maybe another cooler.  Wet suits for future surfing lessons.  Surf boards then I guess too and...