Everyone is running outside. We've had three days of amazing weather and by amazing I mean above 40 degrees.
The same people out running today were not able to do so this past weekend. Why, you ask? Because Chicagoans find it necessary to begin celebrating St. Patrick's Day a week early. It's more like St. Paddy's Month in these parts and the reasoning behind it is beyond me. Yesterday there wasn't a sober individual in all of Lakeview neighborhood. Everyone had goofy green hats on and stumbled down the street from one bar to the next. St. Patrick's Day actually falls on a Saturday this year, do we all realize this?! Whatever, this is Chicago and tradition is tradition--we all must drink the weekend before.
Today, however, is a different story. Everyone with legs is running outside. Yesterday was stumbling and today is now for triumphantly running.
Okay, what is happening? Now you're all just freaking me out, this is not normal! I am out and about all the time and never have I seen such mass cardio exercise taking place. Never! Is there a gas leak I'm not aware of? Did you all get memos about it at work? I don't work in an office so I didn't get the memo!
This behavior is unacceptable. Do you know why? Because it makes me feel bad about myself, that's why! There I admit it. I walked on a treadmill today--correction, I POWER WALKED--but I did not run like you which means you are the winners in this race called life. And my legs still look like tree trunks while yours resemble long, slender sticks. What I proudly counted as a workout this morning was just a warm-up in your book. Well, that's just not fair.
Oh, now this is great! A man wearing khakis and clearly headed home from a day of work is running down Leavitt Street. He has a briefcase and office appropriate shoes on but he too is running. Thanks a lot, asshole.
That's it, I've had it. I'm reporting you all to Mayor Daley. Tonight you'll need to decide if you want to be a beer-guzzling Chicagoan or a runner. All you runners need to pack up the Sauconys and sweat-resistant clothing ASAP! I've phoned ahead and Portland is expecting your arrival later in the week.
Enjoy your running out in the land of health and fitness, Mr. Khaki Pants! Us Chicagoans will be here celebrating St. Patrick's Year.
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