I Routinely Contemplate Xanax

"This stool is to be sat ON but if you turn it upside down it can be sat IN!  I'm ingenious."

The Boy has had his fill of medical care in the last few days.  We have too.  Especially Mr. Jarcy, poor man...

Like a good mother, I procrastinated getting The Boy's required blood work done until the day before I figured his physician would begin to question my role as a responsible parent.  "What do you mean you haven't gotten the blood drawn?  What kind of parent are you?  I'm calling DCFS on your lazy ass, lady!"  So fine, I pushed through the dread and made the appointment for yesterday morning.  Then I forced Mr. Jarcy to take him because I'm a wuss with blood getting drawn.

As you can imagine, it didn't go so smoothly.

The Boy was most unhappy.  To really torture my husband, I made him take The Now Very Unhappy Boy to a toddler gym class immediately following the procedure.  As you can imagine, that didn't go so smoothly either.  The Boy may have decided it was the fault of the other children for his earlier blood work and may have expressed his unhappiness by hitting them.  Sigh...

Now we come to today.

This morning we whisked The Boy off to his checkup (yes, I was a big girl and went as well).  Calm prevailed until we hit the exam room.  That's when medical professionals and The Boy's parents banded together to commit such heinous crimes as checking his head circumference (still massively huge), weight (pushing 30 lbs.) and height (2 inches taller than 3 months ago).  I kept doling out "all done" in sign language after each test until Mr. Jarcy snapped under his breath, "Stop doing that!"  Yes, that was probably confusing, as the tests were clearly not all done.  Note taken.

Then came the question and answer portion of our visit, simultaneously wrangling the traumatized Boy while also discerning what exactly was being asked through the nurse's thick accent--

NURSE:  Do you leeve in a home or apartment?

ME:  An apartment.

NURSE:  Do you have somespeter?

MR. JARCY:  No.

ME:  We don't?!  What about Creepy the cat?

MR. JARCY:  She asked us if we have a smoker in the house, Mrs. Jarcy.  Does Creepy smoke?

ME:  Oh, I thought she asked if we had some pets, I'm sorry.

NURSE:  Do you have feerarms in dee house?

MR. JARCY:  Fire ants?  No, no fire ants in our home.

ME:  Mr. Jarcy, she's said fire arms!

MR. JARCY:  Oh, well we don't have those either.

That interesting exchange under our belt, we next tackled a doctor's exam, more questions and answers followed by two vaccinations.  Then I signed "all done" to my heart's content which was of no help in soothing The Boy as The Boy was now past the point of no return.  His toy cars and a sampling of newly earned stickers helped a little but not until he was securely fastened into his car seat could he rest easy.

Exhausted from crying and carrying on, he fell asleep on the ride home resulting in just a ten minute nap for today.  Those adorable little eyes won't shut after the initial shutting regardless of duration.  I'm pretty sure that move was calculated on his part--  "You're gonna poke and prod me two days in a row?  No rest for you, my friends, no rest!  Take me to the park now, please, it's payback."

I can't wait for the pediatric dental visit we've been ordered to arrange!  The doctor gave us pointers on how to prepare him for the visit-- "You know, play dentist with the stuffed animals and stuff, okay?"--however, I don't think the power of the pointers will work beyond the friendly confines of the waiting room.